*In the story there is a flashback scene that refers directly to a sketch from thatbecrazy.com. I’ll find the link soon so you can reference it when you read.
Rhymes And Palindromes
Elijah: Stressed friend
Mike: Elijah’s friend
Chris: Pizza guy
A middle-aged man by the name of Elijah is visiting his mother and brother for the weekend. He has had extreme stress recently and has seen multiple therapists for his anger. Lately, he has been in uncontrollable rages over minuscule irritations. A couple weeks ago, Elijah was waiting in a Chipotle line for his meal. The little girl next to him was constantly chomping on her bubble gum. To Elijah, each smack got louder and louder as only seconds went by. He became enraged with each bite. When the little girl sat to eat her burrito, Elijah snatched from her, spiked it on the ground and flicked off her parents. Last week, at his work, someone’s cell phone kept going off in a cubicle across from him. The co-worker was never there when it went off. This happened on and off throughout the workday. Unbeknownst to everyone, Elijah tripped the fire alarm just so he can sneak over to the desk and throw the cell phone out the window into oncoming traffic. A couple days ago, his brother was tapping his foot on the ground for five straight minutes, which lead Elijah to drop kick their dog into the pool. It would seem that the months of therapy are slowly wearing off. It does not take much to trigger him now.
A lazy Sunday at his parents’ house has always been his favorite place to go to remedy his stress. Relaxing and watching one of his favorite actor’s movie with soon to be hot, recently ordered pizza. The world is the way it should be.
“Everybody listen up! We have to put a barrier between us and the snakes!” The soothing sound of Samuel L. Jackson is music to Elijah’s ears. What better way to relax on a Sunday than to watch a Samuel L. Jackson movie. Slightly slouching back into his couch with his feet crossed on the coffee table, Elijah gently squeezes his favorite stress ball, Bug Out Bob. Life’s little problems seem to slip away the longer the movie runs.
Elijah hears the front door close suddenly. Knowing that his mom is in the kitchen and his brother is in his room, he knew already that it was his close friend Mike coming back from playing basketball. He walks into the living room rather wet. Judging by his soaked through shirt and matted down hair, it was obvious that he played basketball through the recent rainstorm.
“Hey, man how was your day?” Mike casually asked of Elijah while plopping down on a nearby chair. “Can’t complain. Just watching my favorite movie Snakes On A Plane.” Mike was trying to spin the ball on his finger when he responded, “I wish I could say the same for Shane. At the end of our game, he tried to dunk and ended up with a high ankle sprain.” Elijah responded, “Ouch! That’s gotta hurt, was he in pain?” No sooner than finishing his sentence, Elijah felt himself twitch a little. But why? Must have been something in the air. “Yea he was in pain! He even started to tear up. Then he blamed it on the rain!” Mike said jokingly, singing a quote to a Millie Vanilli song.
Elijah’s brother comes downstairs from his room. Unlike Elijah and his troubled past, his brother is the complete opposite. Nothing gets to him, always relaxed and seemingly care free. As he walks into the room texting, the brother asks the two friends, “Hey guys, did you hear about the new Batman movie? If it follows the comics, he ‘s going to get his back broken by Bane. He might even figure out that he’s Bruce Wayne.” “What the F?” Elijah said, perplexed at his brother’s wording. This can’t be a coincidence. He begins to squeeze Bug Out Bob at a faster rate.
His mother emerges from the kitchen with a pot of some steaming food. “Are you boys’ hungry? I’m about to cook up some Lo Mein.” At this point, it is obvious that all of this was striking a nerve with Elijah. He is not fixated on his favorite movie at all. His posture has become stiff and his face begins to sport a new tone of red. Seemingly, unraveling at the seams, Elijah bursts out, “Is everyone doing that on purpose cause it’s getting pretty lame! …. Damn it!!!” Mike, not knowing what Elijah is talking about says, “Doing what?” His brother remarks with a sly smirk and sarcastic tone, “I am, why, is it driving you insane?” His mother says in a calm submissive voice, “Honey, you know how your blood pressure gets, you’re about to pop a vein. So did you guys want some Lo Mei…” before she could get her next word out, Elijah erupts with, “No! I already ordered some pizza!” As he jumps to his feet with a look of insanity beginning to take over his face. Her mother remaining calm during his spat asks, “How many?” “Three!” His brother, like all brothers, loves the fact that Elijah is beginning to freak out. He antagonizes him the only way he knows how, “Are you done with that movie? I want to watch some Glee.” Smirking the entire time, he is just waiting for Elijah to flip to the next gear of crazy.
Beginning to awkwardly squirm in his seat, Mike gets up with a bit of a sour face and says, “Be right back, I gotta pee.” As he is leaving the room, a lucid sounding fart squeaks out. He ends up holding both his front and rear parts, seemingly more and more desperate to make it to the bathroom with more than just pee. Elijah’s mother walks back into the room and asks the guys, “Would you boys like some tea?” Elijah is quick to respond, “Yes!” He’s so emphatic this time that spit flies from his mouth and begins to taper off down his chin. His vein his mother was talking about is in full view across his forehead. “Weeeeeee!” Shouts his brother who now has his full attention to Elijah with his phone taking a back seat to the action. His mother walks up to him and begins to rub her earlobes and says to Elijah, “Calm down honey.” The break in tension was just what Elijah needed. He begins to rub his earlobes chanting to himself, “Woosah… woosah”. He slowly sits back down querying the whole situation, “Why is the happening? What the hell!”
Less than a minute goes by when the doorbell rings. His brother quick to jump from Elijah’s last comment says, “That’s the doorbe…” “I got it boooy!” Elijah quickly interrupted, hoping to stop further headaches. As he’s walking to the door, he’s dripping in sweat as if he just ran a marathon. He takes off his sweatshirt revealing a blue t-shirt underneath that has already soaked up most of his sweat. As Elijah opens the door, he sees a man holding a pizza and wearing an untucked Wu-Tang shirt with baggy jeans and Timberlands to match. He had delivered pizza to Elijah two years earlier. On that day, Elijah had what was called Chronic Ball Kicking Syndrome. Chris, the pizza guy, was kicked severely in the scrotum after he gave Elijah his pizza that fateful day.
The two exchange glances, and they both had that feeling that they had met before. “Pizza delivery, three cheese pizzas.” Said Chris. “How much do I owe you?” “Twenty eight –twenty two.” Chris replied. Elijah, then gazes at his shirt which was blue, then glances at Chris’s shirt that only had the word ‘Wu’. That was all it took for his vein to pop back out of his head as Elijah began to shake uncontrollably. “Hey do I know you dude?” Chris asked. “Wait, you’re that asshole that kicked me in the balls! You’re lucky I didn’t sue!” Elijah lashed back, “That was an accident! I had a condition! But this hit won’t be…” Startled, Chris turns into a defensive crane kick stance. “Hey back up man I know kung fu!” Since Elijah couldn’t kick Chris in the balls with his knee blocking, he decides to go for a two finger eye gouge. Confused by this tactic, Chris tries to block it with a half prayer like hand, hoping to prevent the attack from reaching his eyes. By doing this, Chris left his guard down and dropped his leg unknowingly. The attack was a feint and played perfectly into what Elijah originally was going to do. Elijah swiftly kicks Chris square in the scrotum at the same time yelling, “Shaddaap!” Chris drops immediately to the ground and into a fetal position. Holding his balls with both hands, he began screaming, “Oh shit! Ahhhh! You son of a bitch! I’ll kill you!“ Elijah takes his money out and drops it on Chris and proceeds to slam the door.
As Elijah is walking down the hall, he runs into Mike who is walking out of the bathroom violently spraying potpourri . With a sour face Mike says, “Man, that pee turned into a poo!” “Shaddaap!” Elijah yells as he slaps the air freshener into the wall, leaving Mike frozen and confused. His brother who blatantly walks in front of Elijah asks their mother, “Mom, can I open the wine up with this cork screw?” “Shaddaap!” Elijah shouts as he slaps the corkscrew out of his brothers hand and onto the ground. As Elijah enters the kitchen, his mother, while pointing to him with a wooden spoon begins to yell, “Look you!” Elijah blind with fury, pulls his hand back and begins to swing at the spoon. Suddenly, his mother yells, “Shaddaap!” His mother makes a tremendous strike to Elijah’s face with her open hand. The power felt to Elijah like it was the hand of god. The force took Elijah’s head almost completely backward. Blood shot out like a fountain stream onto the kitchen counter. Stunned, wide and teary eyed, Elijah finally grasps what he was about to do and begins to calm down. Slowly he begins to wipe the blood from his mouth. Now composed, he asks everyone, “Okay, if everyone could refrain from rhyming. It is really freaking me out. Mike just shrugs. His brother nonchalantly says, “Sure, whatevs.” His mother always being the cool head until Elijah raised his hand to her is back to her submissive state replies, “If you say so dear.”
Twenty minutes go by. Everyone is sitting in the living room watching Snakes On A Plane and eating pizza. His mother is eating her Lo Mein. Elijah begins to pull up his laptop and loads some sports screens. “I need to pull up my fantasy stats. Last time I looked, I was in the top spot.” Mike gets up from his seat, “I gotta go. I have to be back by noon.” Elijah asks, “Did you bike here from Glenelg?” “Drove, I just got a Honda Civic. Compared to my Huffy, it drives like a race car.” Elijah suddenly feels a tingle through his body, but why? Mike continues, “Gentleman, Madam.” His mom waves. As Mike leaves, Elijah’s mother has a curious look on her face. “I don’t think I made this Lo Mein right, it tastes like wet stew.” Elijah begins to start breathing heavy, flustered with a strange fear. His brother, who is sitting in front of Elijah, turns his head a complete 180 degrees to face him and whispers rather loudly, “Red rum sir is murder!” Now, shaking in uncontrollably, Elijah quickly grabs a piece of paper and a pen and begins to write down what everyone was saying: top spot, noon, Glenelg, Civic, madam, red rum sir is murder. As Elijah finishes writing, the phone rings and his mother picks it up. “Honey, you have a phone call. Someone named Robert Trebor?” Now sweating uncontrollably, Elijah drops the pen in shock after writing down the name backwards. “Lisa Bonet ate no basil!” His brother remarked with another sneering look. It was the straw that broke the camel’s back. Elijah unleashes a blood curdling scream. Quickly, he hurdles his chair and makes an all out sprint to the door. He busts through the heavy wood door as if it was made out of paper. Unfortunately for him, Chris was still on the ground recovering from the kick to the groin. Not seeing him, Elijah runs directly through Chris’s crotch. “Oh fuck me!” Screams Chris as Elijah goes airborne and into the hedges. It’s time to try a new therapist.